Perhaps another reason I delayed repenting is in my mind I was playing the game of Lord I will forgive this person when you change this person and make them confess their sin against You and ME and then I will repent for my sins against them! But I know that that is not how God works. Often times it seems the offender gets to keep right on hurting people and seems to get away with it even while they are pointing the finger at you at trying to expose your wrongs, but not me, God deals with my crap right away and the more I run the worse it gets for me!
I hate my SIN! I hate the things that I have said and done and how I felt justified because of the pain others caused me. I hate every bit of it, everything even down to the dirty looks and snide remarks I've given over the years, all of my sin. I've had to confess and repent, confess and repent continuously. It seems there is never a time when I don't have something new or even something old that resurfaces to repent about and ask the Lord to change me! Yet I don't always confess and repent without justifying and I don't confess and repent as quickly as I would like. To not acknowledge that I've grown and matured because of Christ in me is a dishonor to the work He's done in me, but there's still areas of my heart that hurt deeply and if I'm truthful, not surrendered and I hate that too! Like my fears!
I think when I went through women's steps and then was asked to lead groups and sponsor women and then the door opened to working in a counseling ministry, I believe God used it and uses it all to continue to help me to recognize my sin instead of looking outward at everyone else's, but there are times when I revert back to "look at what they did to me, and when will they have to answer for the pain they are and have caused me, Lord"! So back to humbling myself before the Lord in need of confessing and repenting of my sins regardless of if others change. It is never easy as I've learned on this journey, but I asked God a long time ago to change me, heal my heart, use me to help others to know His truth that they too might be set free and He is doing just that, but yet as my pastor has mentioned in his own life, I find some things more difficult to move past and I sometimes find myself dealing with one particular area all over again! I hate that too! But the reality is, that's the reality in each of our lives. It's a process.
I don't dare ask God why He continues to use me in these ministries because I know it is a gift and blessing, but I confess it isn't easy to counsel and deal with your own junk and help others at the same time! People assume that your junk is fixed - I hate that too! I always have to tell them that I have my areas just like everyone else! And that if things were fixed, I wouldn't need Christ and I certainly would be able to do the job I do counseling the hurting, broken and lost without Him! People don't get that it takes submission to the Lord to do this job. It's not about relying on my skills, strengths and abilities but rather on His. I don't know the people ahead of time that come to us for counseling, so I have no way to prepare in advance, only God. I counseled several people tonight and at least 3 that I can think of received something and were thankful for what they received and even stated that God must have wanted them to talk to me. I had to explain that it was truly God because I was being ministered to as well through the very words God had me speak to them. Ok, i went off on a tangent, but my point is, I've not made it through sanctification! I still have things that God is working on within me too. I still make mistakes and have to confess and repent. I just pray that i don't have to revisit some things again. I'm tired. I guess when I surrender it, He will take it and I'll be free of it and won't be so tired! What a journey!
Thank God I don't have to depend on me or man for deliverance and sanctification otherwise there would be no sanctification!
Humble my heart. Confess my sin and acknowledge the impact my sin has on others rather than justify and expect others to change. I am responsible for me!